There! Right There!

There, right there!

Look at that tan, well-tended skin

Look at the killer shape he's in

Look at that slightly stubbly chin

Oh please, he's gay, totally gay!

I'm not about to celebrate

Every trait could indicate

A totally straight expatriate

This guy's not gay, I say not gay

That is the elephant in the room

Well, is it relevant to assume

That a man who wears perfume

Is automatically, radically fey?

But look at his coiffed and crispy locks

Look at his silk translucent socks

There's the eternal paradox

Look what we're seein'

What are we seein'?

Is he gay? (Of course he's gay!)

Or European?

Oh

Gay or European?

It's hard to guarantee

Is he gay or European?

Well, hey, don't look at me!

You see, they bring their boys up different

In those charming foreign ports

They play peculiar sports

In shiny shirts and tiny shorts

Gay or foreign fella?

The answer could take weeks

They both say things like, "Ciao bella"

While they kiss you on both cheeks (Oh, please)

Gay or European?

So many shades of gray

Depending on the time of day

The French go either way

Is he gay or European, or—

There, right there!

Look at that condescending smirk

Seen it on every guy at work

That is a metro, hetero jerk

That guy's not gay, I say no way!

That is the elephant in the room

Well, is it relevant to presume

That a hottie in that costume

Is automatically, radically

Ironically, chronically

Certainly, flirtingly

Genetically, medically

Gay, officially gay? Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay

Damn it!

Gay or European?

So stylish and relaxed

Is he gay or European?

I think his chest is waxed

But they bring their boys up different there

It's culturally diverse

It's not a fashion curse

If he wears a kilt or bears a purse

Gay or just exotic?

I still can't crack the code

Yeah, his accent is hypnotic

But his shoes are pointy-toed (Huh)

Gay or European?

So many shades of gray

But if he turns out straight

I'm free at eight on Saturday

Is he gay or European?

Gay or European?

Gay or Euro—

Wait a minute

Give me a chance to crack this guy

I have an idea I'd like to try

The floor is yours

So, Mr. Argitakos

This alleged affair with Mrs. Wyndham has been going on for?

Two years

And your first name again is?

Nikos

And your boyfriend's name is?

Carlos

I-I, sorry!

I misunderstand!

You say, "Boyfriend"

And I thought you say, "Best friend"

Carlos is my best friend

You bastard!

You lying bastard!

That's it

I no cover for you no more!

Peoples

I have a big announcement!

This man is gay and European (woah!)

And neither is disgrace (oh)

You gotta stop your bein'

A completely closet case (d'oh!)

It's me, not her he's seein'

No matter what he say

I swear he never, ever, ever

Swing the other way

You are so gay, you big parfait

You flaming one-man cabaret

I'm straight!

You were not yesterday

So if I may, I'm proud to say

He's gay (and European!)

He's gay (and European!)

He's gay (and European and gay!)

Fine, okay, I'm gay!

Hooray!