Independence!

Get excited everyone

Because here we are, the place where our great trek begins!

Where's that Dad?

You're in Independence!

Welcome to

The city so pleasing

That everyone's leaving

Fuck it, go west

Watch your backs

The city is bustling

With all kinds of hustling

And grit, go west

For Independence

Here are just a few things you should know:

Stay on the trail or you might get lost

Don't pay the toll, not worth the cost

Marry rich so ya don't die poor

A bankers' best, but ya might die bored

And independent

Take a gander kids! Independence, Missouri!

Hi, I've got dysentery.

You will too unless you stop to rest frequently.

My wife and kids all died.

But if I pull through I'll travel at a steady pace from now on.

What's dysentery, Dad?

Nothing we'll ever have to worry about, son

Don't push your ox too hard,

Drive 'em too fast and you'll end up with

Lame-footed animals! Then you'll have to kill 'em!

I don't ever want to kill an animal, Dad

You won't have to, son

Did you know that the first stop on the trail, Fort Kearny,

Was founded by the US Army to protect those bound for Oregon?

I did know that!

Yeah, thanks for the advice and facts! See kids,

Not only is the Trail to Oregon fun, it's also fun and edumacational

There's lots to learn

Which kid is your favorite?

Not all of them make it

Of course, sinkholes

A nine-month dirge

Every marriage is tested

Thank God they invented

Divorce, trending

In Independence

Here's a piece of free advice for you:

Before you go the General Store

Has all you need and plenty more

For your I-N-D-E-pendence

Hi! Welcome to the General Store! I can fix you up with what you need:

Food, clothes,

We even got a sale on wagon tongues, whatever the hell those are!

Actually sir, we're doing this trip on a budget

You know what? I like you, so let me tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you one wagon for the price of two,

Not a penny less,

And for an extra fifty bucks, I'm going to throw in an ox, for free!

A free ox! Oh boy!

We're all friends

There's no war a-brewing

No one's abusing

Their rights to own an

Ox like me

You'll need a full yoke

Their love and care is no joke

It's a job on your love

They're dependent!

I pride myself on being a very good

Ox owner. Our love is perfectly normal.

Moo!

Here are just a few rules to live by

For your independence!

Don't say sorry to your Indian guide

They're not prepared for genocide

You might die of cholera and you might die of pain

But that's okay 'cause you'll probably get laid

By your mom and dad and the little kids too

'Cause you all have to share the same bedroom

Use your kids as tourniquets

"Cause they won't help when you're bit

By a bear!

Or a snake!

Mother Nature's really great

When you're out there on the Oregon Trail

Feels like you are going to fail

But don't give up too soon

The world is your saloon

Uh, Mom, I don't mean to be a buzzkill,

But do you ever get the idea that this trip isn't going to be as fun

Or edumacational as Dad says?

Like maybe you might die, or Grandpa, or Dad?

Well if Grandpa dies, that's just God's will! Trust me kids

There's a place for us

In a house out west

It's Oregon or bust

To save the family crest

That's the promise of the valley

Leave all this behind

Lord have mercy on my soul

As I try to lead the blind!

Chin up kids

Your family's united

I guess I'm excited...

Oh, I'm so excited I pooped myself!

Let's go where

The gold rush is soaring

Let's go exploring

Our independence!

Be prepared to take your life

With an arrow or a hunting knife

Stop and see Fort Laramie

There's nothin' to see, but you'll have to pee

Do you understand 'cause you look confused

Take a look at scenic mountain views

Stay away from Old Man Bridger

When he's drunk he'll take your liver

Life is not a petting zoo

Or you'll get ripped in two

By a bear!

Or a snake!

Mother Nature's really great

Staying alive can be lots of fun

Be sure you have a loaded gun

Something will go wrong

The list is far too long

Declare your independence

Declare your independence

Declare your independence

Declare your

I!

N!

D!

E!

P!

E!

N!

D!

ENCE!

Diphtheria, leukemia, onomatopoeia

It's all the same 'cause it gives you diarrhea

Runaway thieves are on the lamb

Leave them up to Uncle Sam

Don't stress

Take a breath

It might just be your last!

Friends don't let friends ford the river! Take a ferry!

For your I-N-D-E-pendence!

Time to hit the road!